I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Is it because I queefed?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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