so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
