Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
