i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
