My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
