My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
