i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
