I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
