Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I want a musical about memes.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
