I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
