You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Ketchup is God's man juice
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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