Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We're too hungover to prance.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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