My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
