But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We just shotgunned beers for America
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
