How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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