I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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