Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
