3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
