I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
