Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
