Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Randomize
