Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
