Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
