I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
