im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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