Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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