First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
