conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
