oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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