I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize