I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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