I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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