i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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