I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
