My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
