In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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