bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
