I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
