I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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