Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
