Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
