I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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