Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
