thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
