my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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