The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
