thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Panties = found
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
