well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
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The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
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I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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