That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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