I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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