I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
