Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
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I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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