You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
