Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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