my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
