Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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